Fresh air 新鮮な空気

In the year during which Mrs M became pregnant, we were living in a two-storey block of four apartments, one of which was being used by our landlord to store furniture, and therefore empty. Living next to us on the second floor (that’s a Japanese / American second floor, British first floor) was a middle-aged couple who had several screaming rows during the time we were living there (the walls were thin so it was hard to ignore), and whose relationship deteriorated to the point where by the time we moved out they hardly seemed to spend any time together. Beneath us on the first floor, meanwhile, was a younger man who appeared to live alone, and was a fan of what to my untrained ear sounded like ragga music. He would play his ragga not at ear-splitting volume, but loud enough to keep me from getting to sleep at night, and to wake me up before my alarm went off in the morning. We eventually made a complaint about this via the estate agents, and almost as soon as we had done so the music stopped, although this was just a coincidence.

As it turned out, the man had a wife and baby son, who, in accordance with Japanese tradition, had spent a few months around the time of the birth at her parents’ house. Once they had moved back in with the father, instead of being kept awake at night by ragga, we could instead eavesdrop during the day on the general crash, bang, wallop of a baby boy going about his everyday business. When Mrs M got pregnant (read this if you want a detailed account of our conception-related adventures), she quit her part-time job and, particularly for the first two or three months of the pregnancy, took things easy, and it was at this point that she realised something quite remarkable, namely that the baby downstairs – and its mother, for that matter – never left the apartment.

The father would head off to work at around 7am, and come rain or shine, whether it be a weekday or a weekend, mother and baby would spend the rest of the day indoors, until the father got back at seven or eight in the evening. By the time we moved out, the baby was about a year old and already walking – we could hear his footsteps as he did circuits of the living room – but even at this point he was never taken to the local park, or even out of the front door to look around the yard. I said to Mrs M that surely they must go shopping together, but she explained that no, once or twice a week a van from the Co-op came to deliver groceries. Admittedly, the mother didn’t appear to be local and probably didn’t have any friends nearby, but despite having her own car, hardly ever used it.

We weren’t sure if they were from the mother’s or the father’s side, but every few weeks the baby’s grandparents would come to visit, and they too would only ever play with their grandson inside the apartment, before driving off again a few hours later. Even more infrequently than this, mother, father and baby would get in the car and disappear for the day, but based on the evidence we had, we could only assume this was to visit the same set of grandparents at home, and certainly not to go to Disneyland or even a shopping mall. So the only time their baby was exposed to the outside world was once every couple of months, when it was carried the short distance between apartment and car at one end of the trip, and car and house at the other.

Largely out of necessity, the mother made as creative use as possible of the relatively small space – probably about sixteen square metres – she had at her disposal, turning the apartment into a kind of live-in kindergarten, and kept her son occupied with all sorts of activities: among other things, the two of them could be heard reading books, playing games, playing with toys, exercising and watching TV, and she would forever be cooing over, chatting to or consoling him.

The boy’s day-to-day life was probably as stimulating as it was possible to make it under the circumstances, but if nothing else, he was in danger of contracting rickets due to a lack of vitamin D, and Mrs M said that if she were in the same situation, it wouldn’t be long before sheer claustrophobia drove her completely round the bend. The most heartbreaking thing that we witnessed – or rather, that we could assume from our eavesdropping – happened in March of last year, when the poor kid wasn’t even allowed outside to enjoy the first snowfall of his young life; all he could do instead was survey the scene from the living room window.

OK, so I was exaggerating when I said they never left the house: just once, I found the mother standing outside the back door with her son in her arms (it could have been my imagination, but they both looked rather pale), as they waved the grandparents off after a visit. Mrs M, too, bumped into them on one occasion, and during a brief chat was surprised to find out that when she was younger, the mother had spent a year living in Australia. The father, on the other hand, was what Mrs M described as a chinpira (chav if you’re British, redneck if you’re American). He was foul-mouthed, prone to shouting at his wife, and preferred to spend his days off (actually day off – he seemed to work six-day weeks for the most part) working out at the gym rather than playing with his son. On one occasion, Mrs M returned from our early evening stroll to find him on the warpath, having discovered a strange car parked in ‘his’ space. Despite the fact that the car in question wasn’t blocking him in and would no doubt be gone by the following morning, and that in any case, the car park was large enough to accommodate several more vehicles than were owned by the people who lived there, he had summoned both the landlord and the police. There was some paperwork relating to a cram school visible on the front seat of the offending car, and it took a certain amount of diplomacy on Mrs M’s part to convince him that it wasn’t me or one of my English-teaching friends who had parked it there,

Not that this is exactly a complimentary description of them, but contrary to what you might think, I don’t in any way want to suggest that the couple were bad parents. The father may have been a little narrow-minded, but he wasn’t a wife beater or an alcoholic (the middle-aged guy on the second floor sounded much scarier when he got drunk), and let’s not forget that according to statistics, the average Japanese husband spends just fifteen minutes a day with his children. Also, the apartment-as-prison scenario is pretty extreme even by Japanese standards, where most parents will merely shield their baby from the elements until it is three months old, and smother it in hats, scarves and surgical masks to stop it from catching a cold thereafter (they also, I was surprised to find out recently, never kiss their babies, a custom that would come as a blessed relief to British politicians on the campaign trail). Once M Jr arrived, though, the experience of having such eccentric neighbours convinced us to take her outside as much as possible, and if there is ever the slightest hint that she has acquired an interest in ragga, I shall immediately confiscate her iPod.

A tribute to Steve Jobs

Back in the late nineties, I was lucky enough to get hold of that most prized of possessions, a Hotmail address with my christian name first, my surname second, and no dots, dashes, numbers or anything else extraneous in between. Purely for illustrative purposes, let’s pretend that my real name is Billy Nugget, and that the address in question was billynugget@hotmail.com

Even then, there were already scores of other Billy Nuggets using Hotmail, but I just happened to sign up at the precise moment the original Billy Nugget either decided not to use Hotmail any more and cancelled his account, or died in a freak dog grooming accident. As I’m sure you can understand, I was very pleased about this fortuitous turn of events (fortuitous for me, that is, not necessarily for Mr Nugget). Partly for convenience sake, and partly because I couldn’t bear the thought of giving up something so easy to remember, I kept hold of this holy grail of email addresses, and in the intervening years have become well acquainted with the idiosyncracies of Hotmail’s service, of which there are many.

For example, allow me to introduce those of you who are not familiar with Hotmail to its ‘Contacts’ feature:

Like other free email accounts (and indeed mobile phones. And indeed, er, address books), Hotmail allows you to store your friends’ / colleagues’ / acquaintances’ / stalkers’ contact details alphabetically. Should you happen to email someone you have not emailed before, or should someone non-suspicious happen to email you, Hotmail will even ask if you would like to add that person’s name and details to your contact list. So far so good, and after more than a decade with Hotmail, I now have getting on for two hundred contacts, some of whom I email regularly, some occasionally, and some I will probably never have reason to email again for the rest of my natural life.

Anyway, let’s assume I want to send an email to one of those occasionals; one of the people whose email address – and this is a key point – I don’t happen to know off the top of my head. As usual, I click on the ‘New’ option on my Hotmail page and a blank email appears. In the ‘To:’ box, I begin to type my friend’s name – once again, and purely for illustrative purposes, let’s call him Harry Pratt. Almost instantaneously, a drop-down menu appears listing everyone on my contacts list whose email address begins with an H: harold.bobbins@gmail.com, horatio-nelson@britishnavy.net, humbert_humbert@lolita.xxx, and so on and so forth. The trouble is, now that I come to think of it, Harry is a bit of a joker, so rather than harry.pratt@gmail.com or harry-pratt1971@yahoo.co.jp or even pratt_harry@dyno-rod.co.uk, his email address begins with crazyharry or bonkersharry or madcappratt or something similarly ‘hilarious’.

Now you would think, wouldn’t you, that the whole point of a contact list – particularly the contact list for an email account – would be to allow the user to quickly access his or her friends’ email addresses merely via the use of their christian name or surname. As anyone with any sense will tell you, it’s far easier to remember a couple of key words like, say, ‘Harry’ or ‘Pratt’ than it is to remember something far longer and more complicated, like xiekdgijdkaoed.23856308386.harold_h-pratt.jr_the-3rd@itsonthetipofmytongue.org, for example. The mind-bogglingly infuriating thing about the Hotmail contact list, however, is that even though Harry’s email address is stored along with his name therein, it is not possible to access that name at the precise moment you need to do so. In other words, the drop-down menu that automatically appears when you begin to type in the ‘To:’ box is not a list of your friends’ names that start with that letter, but merely a list of the email addresses on your contact list that start with that letter, which two things, as we’ve already discussed, have no intrinsic connection.

What I actually have to do in order to get Harry’s email address into the ‘To:’ box of the aforementioned email is to:

1) Save a draft of the email
2) Go to my contact list
3) Go to the H section of my contact list
4) Find the name ‘Harry Pratt’ halfway down the page
5) Click on said name
6) When Harry’s contact details appear, manually copy his email address [my italics]
7) Go back to my inbox
8) Go to my drafts folder
9) Click on the drafted email
10) Paste Harry’s email address into the ‘To:’ box

Now if you’ll just excuse me, I need to pause for a moment and use some punctuation:

#$&’%(“)&=’~}*<+{>?????!!!!!

Call me a remorseless pedant if you like, but surely, after well over a decade of running what is still one of the most utilised email services in the world, the good people at MSN might have figured out that this small but significant glitch in their system could do with being fixed. More to the point, they have probably received complaints numbering in the tens of millions from disgruntled and remorseless pedants like myself: enough complaints, in fact, to make them realise that perhaps the time may have come to sort things out.

One of the obituaries for the recently deceased Steve Jobs claimed that he had a reputation for prioritising ‘form over function’, but whoever wrote this had clearly never used a single Apple product. Sure, I have had my fair share of problems with the various Macs I have owned – malfunctioning CD drives, crashed hard drives, dodgy keyboards etc. – but that never stopped them from a) looking good and b) being easy to use. PCs, on the other hand, a) look ugly and b) are not easy to use, and for this, Mr Jobs deserves at least a modicum of retrospective credit.

So what does this all have to do with Japan, I hear you ask? Not much really, except to say that had Bill Gates been born Japanese, PC and Windows users might all be a lot more satisfied with their Microsoft product user experience, and I might more readily be able to access the email addresses of my contacts, thus allowing me to waste even more of my time on Facebook, Twitter and Badass of the Week.

Earthquake / 地震

Picture

I awoke on the morning of Friday 11th to the sound of my mobile phone, which is often silent for days at a time, but which on this occasion was – so to speak – practically ringing off the hook. Assuming it was junk texts or people asking if I could do a day’s work (by that point I had already completed my final day as a sound recordist, so was in no hurry to pick up), I had a shower and didn’t check for messages until my morning coffee was on the go. As soon as I read the first text, I knew exactly what had happened, and to switch on the television and see those apocalyptic scenes of tsunami sweeping inland towards Sendai came as no surprise – as a shock, yes, but not as a surprise.

A lot like getting married, moving to Japan was something I had decided to do with some trepidation, but once I got used to the idea, something that began to appeal more and more, so that by the 11th – about a week and a half before we were due to leave – I was positively busting to get on the plane and begin my new life as an expat. The earthquake didn’t change my mind at all, it just gave the idea of moving a very stern slap in the face and told it to sit down and be quiet until further notice. The key question was, were we still going to go? And apart from one or two mornings when Mrs M and I woke up to yet more apocalyptic news reports, neither of us seriously considered changing our minds.

There were many reasons for this; we just had to make sure we were prioritising them correctly. At one end of the scale, part of me was worried that because our preparations were almost complete, to turn back now would make us look rather silly: not only would we see people again to whom we had already said our goodbyes, but we would also have to tell our new tenants to look for another flat. At the other end of the scale, part of me was worried that, frankly, we would turn up in Japan, be exposed to dangerously high levels of radiation, and suffer a slow and painful death.

The more I read in the papers and on the internet, and heard on the news, the more it became clear that death – even mild discomfort – was highly unlikely. Nevertheless, the combined forces of the media to induce panic and irrationality are difficult to resist, and I could see how ridiculous we had begun to look to some of our friends, when everyone else with white skin was getting the hell out of Japan, and when we appeared to be embarking on the most ill-timed family visit in human history. Right up until the point we had arrived in the country and stayed the night at a hotel in Osaka (our flight had been redirected by Lufthansa, who were not keen to subject their air crews to any undue risks by landing in Tokyo), I was standing at a computer in the hotel lobby for a good half an hour after breakfast, going through the results of Google searches for ‘radiation levels Japan’ and ‘放射線量’ with the proverbial fine tooth comb.

Once we had arrived in Ibaraki, however, it became clear that life in this part of the country was almost back to normal, despite the motorway being punctuated with speed bumps from where it had only just been repaired (on one particular stretch of the Joban Expressway in Ibaraki, the earthquake had opened up a six-foot deep chasm in the slow lane), and the roofs of perhaps one in every five houses being concealed beneath blue tarpaulins and gaffer tape where their tiles had been shaken loose. Partly because of road closures, there was even a traffic jam heading north into Hitachi-ohta: very few of the town’s 15,000 or so residents appeared to have run away, and nor did they seem concerned that the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant lay just 100 kilometres further north. Our reunion with otoh-san, okah-san and onii-san wasn’t unduly emotional, the electricity, gas and water were back on, and we soon sat down to a hearty dinner, whose ingredients included spinach hand picked that week from the family allotment (several types of leafy vegetable – and spinach in particular – originating in Ibaraki, Fukushima and other nearby prefectures have been banned from sale due to abnormal (I’m going to refrain from saying ‘high’) levels of radiation found in samples earlier in the week).

Since then, I have found many myth-busting articles about why we should learn to stop worrying and love radiation (here, here and here, for example), although I suspect that our friends and relatives in the UK are still dubious. I was brought up to always be suspicious of what the government and the media told me, and with some justification: justification that includes such incidents as Chernobyl, and a lesser known nuclear accident that occurred just down the road from where I now sit, in a place called Tokai-mura. In Chernobyl, the authorities sat back and told people not to panic, that everthing was fine, and that it was OK to carry on drinking the milk and the water, and living their normal, day-to-day lives. In Tokai-mura, the power company sat back and told its employees not to panic, that everything was fine, and that it was OK to carry on with their normal working day. In both cases, and down the years in other places like Sellafield, the public have learned that it is best not to trust what they are told, so that now, even when the Japanese government and the Tokyo Electric Power Company have done their best to be completely open about what is happening at Fukushima, very few people truly believe them. And because the science of what is going on is so difficult to grasp (particularly when explained by a man in a white coat and thick glasses with no concept of how to put something across in layman’s terms), the automatic, fall-back response is to assume the worst and act accordingly.

I don’t want to go into too much detail, but one blindingly obvious thing that both Japanese and foreign news channels could do to make us all breathe more easily (in both the literal and metaphorical senses of the phrase), would be to stop confusing us with units of measurement. Even after many hours of research, I am still far from certain about the exact ratios involved, but basically, a severt is a fairly hefty chunk of radiation, a millisevert is a fairly small chunk of radiation, a microsevert is an incredibly small chunk of radiation, and a becquerel is an infinitesimally small chunk of radiation. So why oh why oh why do journalists insist on using becquerels to describe the radiation levels found in Tokyo tap water? Or, if they really do have to use becquerels to describe this, why don’t they use becquerels to describe everything else as well (such as the radiation levels found a couple of hundred metres from the exposed fuel rods of Fukushima Daiichi)? If only we, the humble viewers, were granted this one small concession to comprehensibility, we would suddenly find ourselves armed with information we could easily absorb and understand, and more to the point, we would suddenly realise that drinking the tap water in Tokyo is approximately as dangerous as diving into a swimming pool full of cotton wool and marshmallows, whilst wearing safety goggles, ear protectors, steel toe-capped boots, a hard hat, a hi-vis vest, a padded gorilla suit, and simultaneously wrapped in sixteen high-tog-rated goose feather double-duvets.

But anyway, while the situation in Miyagi, Fukushima and Iwaté is far from happy – many people have yet to take their first proper bath since the quake, and at the moment of writing, the weather forecast for Tohoku still incudes snow – here in Ibaraki, everyone is doing their best to lead a normal life again. I had wondered before we came here if I might be called upon to help ‘rebuild the country’, or at least hand out rice balls to evacuees, but instead, I have had my job interview, started looking for an apartment, browsed the aisles of the nearby second-hand furniture shop, and even had a bit of a play with some snazzy looking new mobile phones. The TV is awash with advertisements (or rather, public service announcements) exhorting the Japanese to pull together, be strong, help each other, do their best and so on, and the best way of doing this – as we Brits can relate to from our own and equally renowned Blitz-based collective consciousness – is to get on with things; to Keep Calm and Carry On.

Heroes and miracles

One of the most famous videos of last year’s tsunami was shot in Rikuzentakata City, Miyagi Prefecture, and makes for pretty terrifying viewing. If you fast-forward to four minutes in, however, you will notice a small group of people trying to outrun the approaching wave of debris and muddy seawater.
Setting aside what was going on in the background for a moment or two, you may be surprised…no, forget that: you will be astonished to learn that all of those people survived – a few happy endings among many, many sad ones, and a story that was related in one of the TV programmes broadcast this month to mark the first anniversary of the disaster.

Four minutes and thirty-five seconds into the video, the final two members of the group can be seen running across a field towards the camera, and disappear out of frame just as the tsunami is snapping at their heels. One of them made it to safety despite having broken a bone in her foot as she was climbing over her garden wall, and by an incredible stroke of luck, the other – who only gets around with the aid of a walking stick – was scooped up by a floating rooftop and deposited on the hillside without injury.

Although it’s hard to make out, on the left-hand side of the screen from around the five-minute mark, some residents from a nearby old people’s home are in the process of being rescued – you can get a slightly clearer view two and a half minutes into this next video, shot from almost the same location.
Daichi Sugawara, who was a member of staff at the home, can be seen running back down the hill towards a wheelchair-bound, 94-year-old lady called Umeko (the documentary didn’t mention her surname).

When he was interviewed for the documentary, Daichi – who was just ninteteen years old at the time, and with his chubby features, acne and pudding-bowl haircut is probably the least heroic looking young man I have ever seen – recalled the events as follows:

‘I thought that either I was going to abandon Umeko and run away, or we were going to die together. Of course, when I looked into Umeko’s eyes, I thought, “If I let go of her hand now, I may regret it for the rest of my life”. I thought of her as a member of my own family.’

Daichi pushed Umeko to safety, and out of sight of the video camera, even the man who is apparently washed away as this is happening somehow managed to scramble his way back onto dry land.

Umeko was interviewed for the documentary along with Daichi, and said, ‘Daichi is like a grandson. He is so kind, and he really saved me when I was sitting in that wheelchair.’

Just as I was wiping a tear from my eye and wondering whether Daichi has been given some kind of award for this incredible act of bravery, Mrs M turned to me and said, ‘If that was me I would have left her behind. She’s ninety-four – she’s lived enough already, hasn’t she?’

Oh well, so much for sentimentality.

Espresso Tea

The first thing many Japanese holidaymakers do upon arriving in London is to take afternoon tea – preferably at somewhere posh and expensive like The Ritz – and even in Tokyo there are several places where you can experience this great British break time, including a chain of cafés called, appropriately enough, Afternoon Tea.

Even in Ibaraki we are blessed with Kohcha-kan (located on the main shopping street between the north exit of Mito Station and the Keisei department store), which even holds tea- and cake-making classes, and La Table de Izumi (just round the corner from the Joyful Honda shopping centre in Hitachi-naka), which has an all-you-can-eat-and-drink deal for its teas, freshly baked scones and homemade jam.

For those of us wishing to recreate this afternoon tea ambience on a budget there is Royal Milk Tea, a sweet and ever-so-slightly spiced beverage that has never been anywhere near a member of the Royal Family, but whose taste lies somewhere between British Earl Grey and Indian Chai.

Aside from this, and as is the case in continental Europe, the Japanese tend to drink both green and black tea without milk, which means that no matter how long you leave it to stew, tea made from a locally bought bag tends to be weaker than an anorexic in an arm-wrestling contest.

So for those expats whose idea of a quality cuppa is a mug of ‘pyramid’ PG Tips brewed to the point that it makes you screw up your face as if you’ve just bitten into a raw onion, help could be at hand in the form of this new product from Kirin.

The Kirin website describes Espresso Tea as follows:

Experience ‘Afternoon Tea – Espresso Tea’ for yourself.

For this luxurious taste we have drawn out only the most delicious aspects of black tea leaves for a refreshing sweetness and a superior quality bitterness.

This concentrated richness has been created using our special high-temperature, high-pressure ‘espresso extraction’ method.

I’m not sure exactly how close this method is to that of making espresso (let’s face it, probably not very close at all), but to this teatime traditionalist at least, it tastes commendably close to the kind of cuppa you might get at a truckers’ caff – ie. one where the same tea leaves are brewed all day long in the same urn, a process that normally generates enough tannin to incapacitate an adult rhinocerous.

To add to that Union-Jack-bunting air of authenticity, Espresso Tea even has an English catchphrase – one that practically no one purchasing it will be able to understand – which reads, ‘The English custom of taking afternoon tea was invented by the Duchess of Bedford’, and as is the case with most of the research for this blog, was probably lifted straight from Wikipedia.

Baseball club 野球部

Just because the summer holidays have already started doesn’t mean the students stop coming to school, so for the couple of weeks’ work I am obliged to do between now and the end of August, I have decided to join in with the various club activities that will be occupying them during their supposed time off.

First up was baseball, which is renowned for attracting pushy parents who complain if they don’t think their child is being coached to the best of his ability, and with that in mind, K-sensei has been swotting up. もし高校野球のマネージャーがドラッカーの「マネジメント」を読んだら (If A High School Baseball Manager Read Drucker’s ‘Management’) is a recent best-selling book by Natsumi Iwasaki that describes – as you might expect from its rather dry title – what happens when a high school baseball coach decides to base her training regime on the management theories of Peter Drucker. The book has subsequently been made into a film, while Drucker’s original books – which not entirely coincidentally are published by the same company – have been selling pretty healthily too, and as well as If A High School etc., K-sensei has also read a kind of Drucker-For-Dummies-With-Manga tie-in.

K-sensei’s co-coach is N-sensei, although neither of them was anywhere to be seen when I arrived at 7.15 on Friday morning. They had been drinking until the early hours at a staff party the previous night (Mrs M wouldn’t loosen the purse strings enough to allow me to go), and K-sensei arrived at 7.30, although while he had remembered to bring a digital breathalyser with him, he had forgotten to bring the door keys to the main building. So we sat around and waited for N-sensei, who finally turned up with his own set of keys about fifteen minutes later.

By now the club members had already jogged a couple of laps of the school grounds, and while K-sensei typed up a training schedule in the staff room, I put on my PE kit and went outside to join them for some stretching. For this the team stood in a circle around their captain, who shouted, ‘Ichi, ni, san, shi!’ to their ‘Go, roku, shichi, hachi!’ as we did each exercise.

Already dressed in white uniforms and blue baseball caps, the students then changed into their spikes, which looked like old-fashioned, ankle-high, black leather football boots, with some kind of additional toe guard attached to the left shoe of each pair. As with old-style football boots, the spikes themselves were metallic, and looked as if they could cause some pretty serious damage if the wearer were to mis-time a slide into home base (surely professionals have progressed to something a little more hi-tech, I thought, possibly in moulded plastic?).

Our first practice drill involved stealing bases, with three players at a time either backtracking if the pitcher spotted their run, or carrying on to the next base if he threw a pitch as normal. After a couple of laps of the diamond taking one base at a time, everyone gathered around N-sensei, removed their caps and bowed with an ‘onégaishimass!’ (The literal meaning of お願いします is ‘I politely ask a favour’, but it can be used to mean ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘nice to meet you’ or any number of other things, and when uttered by baseball players, karate students and the like, comes out as more of a grunted ‘oss!’)

‘Why are your uniforms still clean?’ demanded N-sensei (with the ground still damp after last week’s typhoon, I had deliberately avoided sliding for fear of messing up my new tracksuit bottoms). ‘Anyone who doesn’t want to get their uniform dirty can quit now. You can wash it in the washing machine, can’t you? Look, this is what you should be doing.’ He dived to the ground face first and stood up with mud marks on his t-shirt and trousers.

‘Were you in the correct position?’ N-sensei continued, with no response from the students. ‘No. Should you be resting your hands on your knees like this?’
This time, one or two of them muttered a reluctant ‘no’.
‘No. If you do you can’t react quickly enough. You crouch down and use your hands to balance. Keep your weight on your right foot so you’re ready to start running, and go up on the balls of your feet like this. Two more laps, and do it properly this time.’

The very first student to step up to first base immediately rested his hands on his knees, and this wasn’t the only time during the morning that I thought to myself, Drucker or no Drucker, K-sensei will have his work cut out knocking this lot into shape. The team was eliminated from a recent inter-school tournament in the first round, and while most of the first-choice players have now quit the club to concentrate on studying for their high school entrance exams, it’s not a result that reflects particularly well on the first and second years they have left behind.

The student with his hands on his knees, incidentally, is quite an interesting character. Outwardly, he looks and acts like the school bully and / or the one most likely to end up in some kind of juvenile correctional facility, but despite apparently not paying any attention at all in class – at least when I’m teaching him, that is – his English is better than almost anyone else in the year. The macho posturing is, so I’m told, the result of living in a mother-less household – I assume his parents divorced and she moved out – where he isn’t given breakfast and makes do with cup ramen for dinner, but for the recent second year work experience week, he was allotted two days at the local police station, so there is some hope that he’ll stay on the right side of the law when he gets older.

One of the more studious second years is K-kun (kun / 君 is a suffix for addressing boys or male inferiors at work), who helped me with the next couple of drills, one of which was a gambit whereby the batsman takes the pace off the ball with the bat so that it drops at his feet. In doing this he will almost certainly sacrifice his chances of making it to first base, but since the opposition will be pre-occupied with a ball that has landed just too far from the catcher to enable a quick pick-up-and-throw, one of his team-mates should get the chance to steal a base at the same time.

‘If you block it this way,’ said K-kun, gesturing towards first base, ‘the guy coming in from third can make it home, but if you block it the other way, he’s going to get run out. Hold the bat like this. Keep your right hand soft and don’t twist it around – lift it up and down by bending your knees instead.’

The soccer club members were practicing at the other end of the playing field, and as we rotated positions in our group of three, Y-sensei – who vies with the table tennis teacher M-sensei for being the most intimidating in the school – started yelling at them.
‘Our last baseball coach,’ said K-kun, ‘was really scary. You see the kindergarten behind the school?’
‘Yes’ – it was probably 150 metres from where we were standing.
‘Once, when he was angry, he threw a ball all the way into the playground.’

Somehow I couldn’t imagine K-sensei or N-sensei getting angry, but then again, perhaps they were toning things down a little today because I was there. When I looked over a couple of minutes later, the entire soccer club was down on its knees doing ten minutes of kusa-tori (草取り/ weeding – turf is very hard to maintain in the heat of a Japanese summer, so most school playing fields have a surface of compacted, dusty soil).

Away from the twenty-five or so students with whom I was practicing, one kid was on his own at the side of the field, apparently repairing the large net that stops balls from hitting passing cars or from flying into nearby fields, which may or may not have been a similar punishment to the soccer players’ kusa-tori. At the opposite end of the playing field, two more students were pushing car tyres back and forth along the ground.
‘Have they done something wrong?’ I asked K-sensei.
‘No,’ he said. ‘They’re pitchers. Pitchers are special. They use different parts of their bodies when they play, so we give them special exercises.’
Nearby, another two students were throwing a ball back and forth at impressively high speed.
‘Are they pitchers too?’
‘Yes.’
‘They must be second years, right?’
‘No, no,’ said K-sensei. ‘They’re first years.’
A group of professional baseball players came to Mrs M’s hometown for a training camp a few months ago, and seeing them pitch at close quarters was quite something. You could hear the ball make a kind of fizzing sound as it flew through the air, and even though they were standing just a foot or two away from the spectators, their pitches never strayed from a narrow area around the catcher’s gloves. K-sensei told me that professional pitchers can move the ball at 150kmh or more, and while these twelve year olds weren’t quite at that level yet, the ball still made a satisfyingly loud slap as it hit the gloves of whichever one was acting as catcher.

There is a solitary girl in the baseball club, who seemed to be holding her own pretty well. In fact, she was probably the most foul-mouthed person there, and spent a fair proportion of the practice session telling her team-mates they were idiots, or to stop taking the piss.
‘She’s a pitcher as well, isn’t she?’ I seemed to recall her telling me this during an English lesson recently.
‘She was a pitcher,’ said K-sensei.
‘But not any more?’
‘No, not any more.’
‘Oh, right.’

Each practice routine had a name, and while many of these were clearly derived from English, I couldn’t work out what most of them meant, and when things began to get more complicated – one of the drills involved the batsman appearing to fake one of the drop shots we were practicing earlier, only to adjust his grip and give the ball a proper hit – I stayed on the periphery and fed stray balls back to the pitcher. (One of the most interesting things about the session as a whole was that there was no match at the end of it: a major reason why the standard of football in Britain has dropped so low is because there is too much emphasis on playing matches at too young an age, and not enough on perfecting basic skills.)

A third teacher – H-sensei – joined us for a final half-hour of long-range catching practice, preceded by his paunch and shuffling over from the staff room with a too-small baseball cap balanced precariously on his head. ‘Did you learn baseball when you were younger?’ I asked him later. ‘No, I was in the judo club!’ he said, and while H-sensei didn’t look entirely at home, he did prove the point that, à la Babe Ruth, you don’t necessarily have to be slim or quick on your feet to be good at baseball, as he could thwack the ball high and long. Standing at the far end of the playing field, I was relieved to discover that I wasn’t completely hopeless myself, although if your previous experience of catching practice happened on a cricket pitch, suddenly finding yourself wearing a huge baseball glove gives you a distinct mental advantage.

I caught probably five or six balls at various different angles and heights, and was just beginning to enjoy myself when K-sensei called an end to proceedings. There followed ten minutes of kusa-tori – teachers and students together, in this case – and raking the ruts out of the pitch, before we were called in for one final conflab. K-sensei told everyone they would be coming to school at 6.30am on Monday (they would also be coming in for practice on Saturday and Sunday), to catch a bus to the third stage of the tournament from which they had been eliminated a few weeks before.

‘Watch the teams practice,’ he said. ‘You’ll see that they look relaxed. They’re not killing themselves before a game because they already know what they can do. Look at them play. Today you guys were…well, you were hopeless. What do they do differently? What should you be doing better?’

I said a brief thank you to everyone for allowing me to take part, and returned to the staff room to eat my packed lunch, more than five hours after the practice session had begun. No wonder children in Japan are so well behaved, I thought, and no wonder there’s so little crime here. With pretty much everyone under the age of twenty spending this much time playing sport every week, all of that bottled-up teenage testosterone just vanishes. Five days later my body still hasn’t quite recovered from the exertion, but if only I had been given the chance to spend this much time playing football when I was younger, I might have become a half-decent player instead of an occasional five-a-sider, and I might not have spent the best part of my teenage years watching TV or staring out of the window waiting for something to happen.

The Goddess of the Toilet / トイレの神様

Every New Year’s Eve there is a programme on TV called Kohaku-Utagassen (紅白歌合戦 / The Red and White Song Contest). It’s like a longer version of Christmas Top of the Pops, in that it showcases the best and / or most popular songs of the past year, and the big talking point on 31st December 2010 was the song Toiré No Kami-Sama (トイレの神様 / The Goddess of the Toilet) by Kana Uemura (Tokidoki Tokyo has also written about the song here).

The unedited version of Toiré No Kami-Sama is nearly ten minutes long, and Uemura was asked to cut this down for Kohaku-Utagassen. On another programme broadcast more recently, she performed it with a full country and western band, and this worked rather well, as it is reminiscent of those oddball country ballads with resolutely down-to-earth lyrics (eg. ‘The fan belt on my truck done gone and broke on me / So I cain’t drive to the liquor store and buy me no beer’ or similar).

Toiré No Kami-Sama tells the story of a Uemura’s relationship with her grandmother, and has spawned several spin-offs, including a non-fiction book, a TV drama and a commercial for toilet cleaner. The moral of the story turns on the word kirei (奇麗), which means both ‘beautiful’ and ‘clean’, so the line, 「トイレには それはそれはキレイな女神様がいるんやで」 can be translated as either, ‘There’s a goddess of cleanliness in the toilet,’ or ‘There’s a beautiful goddess in the toilet,’ and the aspirations of Uemura’s younger self can be interpreted as both the desire to become a beautiful woman, and the desire to become the kind of wife who, whether she’s beautiful or not, will keep the family home spick-and-span.

When the title トイレの神様 came up on screen during Kohhaku-Utagassen, I burst out laughing, and told otoh-san that you could never get away with releasing a song about cleaning the toilet in the UK. Nobody would take it seriously, I said, at which he was rather offended, and explained that in Japan, keeping your house clean is considered to be very important – a tradition, even.

Indeed, as I watched Uemura’s performance of the song, my cynicism began to waver, because as well as being a tuneful little ditty, it’s actually rather moving. Uehara seemed to be on the verge of tears by the time she got to the last couple of verses, although I’m not sure if my translation of the lyrics will have quite the same effect – I haven’t, for example, tried to make them sound poetic – so you may want to check out the original to get the full emotional impact:

The Goddess of the Toilet

Lyrics: Kana Uemura / Hiroshi Yamada
Music: Kana Uemura

When I was only three, for some reason,
I lived with my grandma.
It was next door to my parents’ house,
But I lived with my grandma.

I helped her very day,
Played Othello with her,
But the only thing I was no good at was cleaning the toilet,
So my grandma said to me:

‘There’s a goddess of cleanliness in the toilet, you know.
So if you clean the toilet every day, like the goddess, you can become a beautiful woman.’

From that day, I cleaned the toilet till it was sparkling.
I scrubbed it every day because I really wanted to become a beautiful woman.

When we went out shopping,
The two of us would eat duck soup with noodles,
And when grandma forgot to record my favourite programme from the TV,
I cried and blamed her.

‘There’s a goddess of cleanliness in the toilet, you know.
So if you clean the toilet every day, like the goddess, you can become a beautiful woman.’

When I had grown up,
I argued with grandma,
And I didn’t get on with my family.
There was nowhere for me to go.

In the holidays I would go out with my boyfriend and not come home.
I wouldn’t play Othello and I wouldn’t eat duck soup with noodles –
Those things had disappeared from between us.

Why is it, I wonder, that people hurt each other?
Forget important things.
I went away and left my grandma – who had always been my friend –
On her own.

It was two years since I had moved to Tokyo.
My grandma went into hospital.
She had grown thin.
I went to meet her.

‘Hello grandma, I’m back!’ I said.
I tried to say it just like in the old days,
But even though we had only talked for a little while,
She said, ‘You can go home now,’ and sent me away.

The next morning
Grandma quietly went to sleep.
It was as if she had been waiting for me to come.
She had brought me up as best she could,
And even though I had never returned the favour,
Even though I had not been a good grandchild,
She waited for me.

‘There’s a goddess of cleanliness in the toilet, you know.’
The words grandma said to me,
I wonder if they are making me a beautiful woman today?

‘There’s a goddess of cleanliness in the toilet, you know,
So if you clean the toilet every day, like the goddess, you’ll become a beautiful woman.’
Because I always dreamed of becoming a good-natured wife,
Even today I clean the toilet deftly, until it shines.

Grandma,
Grandma,
Thank you
Grandma.
Truly,
Thank you.

トイレの神様

作詞:植村花菜・山田ひろし
作曲:植村花菜

小3の頃からなぜだか
おばあちゃんと暮らしてた
実家の隣だったけど
おばあちゃんと暮らしてた

毎日お手伝いをして
五目並べもした
でもトイレ掃除だけ苦手な私に
おばあちゃんがこう言った

トイレには それはそれはキレイな
女神様がいるんやで
だから毎日 キレイにしたら 女神様みたいに
べっぴんさんになれるんやで

その日から私はトイレを
ピカピカにし始めた
べっぴんさんに絶対なりたくて
毎日磨いてた

買い物に出かけた時には
二人で鴨なんば食べた
新喜劇録画し損ねたおばあちゃんを
泣いて責めたりもした

トイレには それはそれはキレイな
女神様がいるんやで
だから毎日 キレイにしたら 女神様みたいに
べっぴんさんになれるんやで

少し大人になった私は
おばあちゃんとぶつかった
家族ともうまくやれなくて
居場所がなくなった

休みの日も家に帰らず
彼氏と遊んだりした
五目並べも鴨なんばも
二人の間から消えてった

どうしてだろう 人は人を傷付け
大切なものをなくしてく
いつも味方をしてくれてた おばあちゃん残して
ひとりきり 家離れた

上京して2年が過ぎて
おばあちゃんが入院した
痩せて細くなってしまった
おばあちゃんに会いに行った

「おばあちゃん、ただいまー!」ってわざと
昔みたいに言ってみたけど
ちょっと話しただけだったのに
「もう帰りー。」って 病室を出された

次の日の朝 おばあちゃんは
静かに眠りについた
まるで まるで 私が来るのを
待っていてくれたように
ちゃんと育ててくれたのに
恩返しもしてないのに
いい孫じゃなかったのに
こんな私を待っててくれたんやね

トイレには それはそれはキレイな
女神様がいるんやで
おばあちゃんがくれた言葉は 今日の私を
べっぴんさんにしてくれてるかな

トイレには それはそれはキレイな
女神様がいるんやで
だから毎日 キレイにしたら 女神様みたいに
べっぴんさんになれるんやで

気立ての良いお嫁さんになるのが
夢だった私は
今日もせっせとトイレを
ピカピカにする

おばあちゃん
おばあちゃん
ありがとう
おばあちゃん
ホンマに
ありがとう

Landslide! 地滑り!

A small corner of the countryside in Hamamatsu City, Shizuoka Prefecture recently made the national headlines, when half a field full of green tea bushes and a large chunk of the hill on which it was perched plunged into the river eighty metres below. As I was watching the news, though, I couldn’t help thinking of that scene in Crocodile Dundee, the punchline for which is ‘That’s a knife’. In other words, forget green tea bushes in Hamamatsu, this is what you call a proper landslide:

Wild boar 猪 (pt.2)

As Mrs M and I were returning from a visit to the in-laws the other day, we noticed something rather strange happening on the forecourt of an Eneos petrol station. For a split second, Mrs M thought we had stumbled upon a murder scene, but a closer look revealed something far less sinister, namely our second encounter with an inoshishi (猪 / wild boar) in the past year (the first one gave rise to a disappointingly blurry photograph).
As anyone who’s seen the film Deliverance will tell you, it’s usually best to avoid groups of country folk who own guns, drive pick-up trucks and wear fishing vests and baseball caps, but while their replies to my questions were very much on the monosyllabic side (‘Is that a wild boar?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Did you kill it yourselves?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘With a gun?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Will you keep the hide?’ ‘No.’), that was due more to Japanese reserve than redneck menace.
__You need to apply to the town hall for a special licence to hunt wild boar, and the official season runs from 15th November until 15th March. According to our community newsletter, during the 2010 / 2011 season the wild boar population was reduced by a grand total of 62: 53 of them trapped and 9 of them shot. An interesting way to spend a Wednesday evening, I reckon, and enough meat at the end of it to feed a small army – or at least a medium sized hunting party.

It’s just not baseball

Despite there being a page-long explanation of the rules in the current junior high school PE textbook, very few of my students have even heard of cricket, let alone played it, so while Mrs M, M Jr and myself were in London over the Christmas holidays, I was interested to see the following article – published as part of a regular column called Bridging People – in Eikoku News Digest, one of a handful of Japanese-language newspapers available in the UK:

Building bridges between the UK and Japan

In September 2012 a motion was proposed in the Scottish Parliament to recognise the activities not of a Scotsman but of a Japanese man. He was to be commended for his untiring work in popularising cricket – a sport normally regarded as the preserve of the English gentleman – in his home country. His influence has spread far and wide, and through his activities he has formed lasting connections around the world.

Naoki Miyaji – profile

Born on 16th September 1978 in Tochigi Prefecture, Japan (full name Miyaji Alex Naoki / 宮地・アレックス・直樹).
Graduated from Keio University.
Completed an MA at the London School of Economics.
First chosen to represent Japan’s national cricket team in 2000.
Has since played in Melbourne, Australia and for various clubs in London.
CEO of the Japan Cricket Association since 2008.
Created Cricket For Smiles, a project to support the recovery from the Great East Japan Earthquake.

On 12th September 2012 at the parliament building in Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland and a World Heritage Site, a motion was proposed to commend Naoki Miyaji. Miyaji was being acknowledged for his efforts in popularising cricket in Japan, although at the time, he was representing his home country on an overseas tour.

The following day in Samoa, a tiny island in the South Pacific, Miyaji had just finished practicing for the the upcoming World Cricket League [a tournament for national sides without test status], and was about to go out for an evening meal with his teammates. One of them showed his mobile phone to Miyaji, saying, ‘Look, this has just popped up on the news’. Miyaji peered at the screen and saw a report about the Scottish Parliament’s motion to commend him. Miyaji – now back in Japan and working hard at the offices of the Japan Cricket Association – reflects with a wry smile, ‘At the time I had no idea what it was all about.’

Naoki Miyaji was born and brought up in Japan by his Japanese father and Scottish mother, and as a ten year old went to stay at an aunt’s house in Wimbledon, West London for the summer holidays. During that brief trip he attended a sports camp and had his first encounter with cricket. Miyaji had neither seen nor heard of the game in Japan, ‘but for some reason,’ he says, ‘it made a strong impression on me’. In junior high school he brought up the subject with a surprised ALT, who as Miyaji recalls, ‘certainly didn’t think he’d be talking with a Japanese student about cricket!’ Pleased that her son had taken an interest in the culture of her home country, Miyaji’s mother bought him a complete set of cricket equipment, which he used at the local park with his brothers, making up the rules as they went along. Miyaji began to play cricket properly after joining the cricket club at Keio University. ‘To be honest, even then we didn’t properly understand the rules. In fact,’ he says, laughing, ‘on the first day of practice I was the only person who brought a bat with them!’

Miyaji, who had loved sport since he was a child, played a key part in the inter-university tournament six months later, and was subsequently chosen to represent Japan at Lord’s – the headquarters of cricket and hallowed ground for players and fans alike – against a prestigious MCC team. ‘The MCC players had an aura of nobility about them,’ says Miyaji. ‘They were energetic but relaxed at the same time. They listened to our questions intently and always had an intelligent answer. I thought to myself, “so this is what a true gentleman is”.’

Having spoken English with his mother since he was a child, Miyaji is now fluent, so he looks after Japanese teams when they are on tour in the UK, and acts as a point of contact for the International Cricket Council when he is in Japan. Since being chosen as a member of the national team he has had plenty of opportunities to travel, appearing as far afield as the United Arab Emirates, Botswana and China. Seeking opportunities to improve his technique, he has played in Australia, and of course in England, the birthplace of cricket. But while cricket has opened a window onto the world for Miyaji. rather than moving abroad, he has chosen Japan as his base. Here, awareness of cricket, which is popular in countries all over the world, is low. Even if you are chosen for the national side, there is no coach and no practice ground, a situation that Miyaji decided he had to try and change.

The Great East Japan Earthquake struck on 11th March 2011, and at the time Miyaji was in Tokyo, on his way back from representing Japan at an invitation match in New Zealand. At the end of February that year, a devastating earthquake had struck the south island of New Zealand, and he had also travelled there to discuss plans for a charity event. After the quake in Japan, however, Miyaji redirected his efforts towards the recovery in his home country.

When the quake hit, his mother was living in Shichigahama Town in Miyagi Prefecture. She survived, and soon afterwards opened a knitting class as a way of bringing the local community together. ‘Maybe I can do something as well,’ Miyaji thought. It wasn’t within his power to hand out food, give shelter or provide the kind of essentials that would enable victims of the disaster to survive, so instead, he thought, why not play cricket with children in the area as a first step on the road to recovery. The Japan Cricket Association, of which Miyaji is CEO, is an NPO with the aim of increasing opportunities for people to enjoy playing sports, thereby popularising cricket. ‘At times like these,’ he thought, ‘if you can’t do anything as the representative of a visible organisation, then what exactly are you representing it for? Since people in the disaster-stricken areas were saying that the smiles and laughter of their children were their biggest inspiration, I started the Cricket For Smiles project to enable children from those areas to have fun, and to enjoy playing cricket.’

At schools in the disaster-affected region of Tohoku, lessons were being taught in temporary classrooms, and playing fields and sports halls were either partly or wholly unusable. In other words, during breaktimes and after school, children had no chance to play baseball, soccer and so on. In that environment, regardless of whether or not the instinct to play such a completely novel sport existed, the rules were changed to enable playing in a limited space, and plastic bats and rubber balls were utilised, so that cricket became a fun game that got people moving and brought smiles to their faces. After a workshop in Kessen-numa City in Miyagi Prefecture in which staff and parents from numerous elementary and junior high schools took part, Cricket For Smiles was taken up by the Kessen-numa Board Of Education, and cricket lessons were started at every school in the area.

‘The Scottish Parliament commends Mr Miyaji and the Japan Cricket Association for developing the Cricket For Smiles programme.’ This is a phrase taken from a motion proposed on 12th September 2012. ‘It’s not me who should be recognised,’ says Miyaji. ‘It’s the people who have turned cricket into a global network’, says Miyaji, a sentiment that is backed by the many supporters of Cricket For Smiles: by the donations of money and cricket equipment from Indian people in Dubai, from Schools in Scotland, from Scots in Shanghai, and from New Zealanders in London.

‘In Japan the scope of cricket is extremely narrow, but around the world, its influence travels far and wide,’ says Miyaji, and thus, a man who lives in East Asia, where cricket is treated as a ‘minor sport’, is actually an important part of a much bigger picture.

As the original text of the motion points out, ‘there are now over 3,000 regular cricketers in Japan, with teams at both senior and junior level, including some 30 university teams’. So perhaps this sport of the English gentleman can one day overtake baseball as the most enjoyable thing to do with a bat and a ball on a summer’s afternoon in Japan.

(Donations can be made to Cricket For Smiles via their homepage, which can be viewed in both English and Japanese.)